I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The uberlube is also flammable
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize