I just pynch a tree in the face
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize