go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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