i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize