How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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