and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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