Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
