There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
