dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
