Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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