so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
