My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize