I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
