wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
