The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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