My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
