Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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