I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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