i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
