I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
