So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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