I murdered the dance floor call the cops
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
