I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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