I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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