My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
