So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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