You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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