Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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