so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
