tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I supernannyed him into submission
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize