Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
