god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
