this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
