her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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