There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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