I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
