I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
