No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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