meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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