Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
