Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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