How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
