I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
