pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
