So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
