One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
