Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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