Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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