Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
