I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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