living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
