why didn't you poke me back
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
