the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
bring money and cleavage
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
