Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
