im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
